- What to Expect Along the Way
- Hold On, the Ride May Be Bumpy
- The Dark Night of the Soul
- Personal Growth & Therapy's Dark Night
- Conclusion
Many therapists become better at predicting the course of therapy over time, but more hesitant to make predictions. This is because each therapy is so unique. Inevitably, something unexpected comes up along the way. The other problem with making predictions about what will happen is that this can be limiting. You begin to see what you expect instead of seeing what happens. This leaves clients feeling misunderstood and limits the possibilities of therapy.
So many therapists have resigned to just going along for the ride. Some aspects of each journey seem familiar, while other parts are so unique that only that particular dyad of therapist and client could bring the situation into existence. The bottom line is that we don't know what to expect.
Of course, this varies from therapist to therapist and in accordance with the type of therapy. Some of the briefer approaches to therapy are more structured and predictable (thought still not completely predictable!). The various "depth therapies," which are often more growth and insight oriented, tend to be less structured and less predictable. So in part, in depends upon what type of therapy you are seeking and what you want to get from therapy.
This section will provide an overview of some of the common things that many people experience during the therapy process. I should point out that my particular approach to therapy is a depth psychotherapy orientation, so this may be more applicable to the various approaches to depth therapy.
Hold On, the Ride May Be a Bit Bumpy
It's now cliche to say that "things will likely get worse before they get better." It's also a bad cliche. It is often true, but certainly not universally true. Yet, it is still worth mentioning. Many clients drop out of therapy thinking it is not working, when in reality it a natural part of the therapy process. If you are or become concerned about how therapy is going, discuss this with your therapist. He or she should be able to help you determine if this is a natural part of the therapist process or due to a bad fit between therapist and client.
Part of the cliche discussed above is connected to the discoveries of therapy. People often discover things about themselves that they don't like during therapy. Also, because you talk about things which have hurt you, it is common for wounds to be opened up in the therapy process. This is part of the healing, but a part of the healing that hurts at first. Bringing up painful events in therapy often brings the pain with it, but it also provides the opportunity for healing.
It is very common to have some feelings and experiences that don't make sense. For example, it is common to have some feelings toward your therapist that don't seem appropriate or make sense. Frequently, client's become frustrated or angry at their therapist. Often they don't share this with the therapist because they believe this is not an appropriate or justified feeling. However, if it is not discussed, it will likely limit the process of therapy. My experience, along with many other therapists, is that the conflicts which emerge between therapist and client often lead to some of the most important part of the therapy experience. So when you have a feeling that doesn't seem to fit, discuss it with your therapist.
The Dark Night of the Soul has become a powerful theme in many of the contemplative approaches to spirituality. It is based off the writings of St. John of the Cross, who originally wrote the essay titled The Dark Night of the Soul. Today the idea is often greatly misunderstood. Many people believe that the "dark night" is any difficult spiritual period. St. John was talking about something different.
According to St. John of the Cross, the dark night is a normal period which occurs during many people's spiritual journey. It's a period which can be associated with growth, but often does not feel like growth. It feels more like a drought or a spiritual desert. St. John describes this as a period in which motivation to engage in the spiritual activities and rituals is gone. Many people fear that they are losing faith at this point. St. John cautions not to be afraid, but to embrace this period as a natural part of spiritual growth.
There are a couple of points of relevancy for our current discussion. First, some people may misunderstand the dark night as a spiritual wound. This is understandable. Speaking with a spiritual leader or therapist who specializes with religious and spiritual issues may help make this distinction.
Second, the process of therapy may initiate a dark night experience. If this occurs, it could easily be misinterpreted as therapy having a negative impact on spirituality or faith. While this is also possible, if this comes up, it's important to discuss it with your therapist. Together, hopefully you'll be able to determine if this is a dark night experience or a different type of spiritual issue.
Personal Growth & Therapy's Dark Night
Therapy and other forms of personal growth also have their lulls. While this is a little different than the spiritual dark night experience, what is important to know this is normal. In therapy, if this lasts more than 1-2 sessions, it's important to discuss this with your therapist. When this occurs in other forms of personal growth processes, it may be helpful to discuss this with someone who may be able to offer some insight into what may be occurring.
Most, if not all, major world religions emphasize that growth is often associated with some pain and/or suffering (keeping in mind, we're not necessarily taking about a dramatic suffering here). Unfortunately, our culture today has often forgot this important piece of wisdom. Some therapists recently have begun to question if our pursuit of growth without pain or suffering isn't connected with many of our contemporary societal problems. Hopefully, the answer to this question will become clearer with time.
What's important is to keep in mind that growth and working through spiritual wounds is not always comfortable. Expecting the process to be easy often leads to disappointment and discouragement. Keeping in mind that growth often comes with complications can help people persevere when things become difficult.