- Early Experiences
- Distorted Beliefs
- Well-Intentioned Others
- Bad Experiences in a Spiritual Community
- Significant Relationships
- It's the Relationship!
- Conclusion
Most of the theory and research about spiritual wounds to date has focused on the role of early relationships and experiences. For example, research suggests that people often experience God in a manner similar to the way they experienced their parents. Through the process of therapy, many have successfully freed their experience of God from their early experiences with their parents. While this idea often seems odd at first, there is a good amount of theory and research which helps to support the reasoning for this. These early relationships form a basis for how individuals interpret other relationships as they go through life, including their relationship with God.
Over time, therapists have begun to recognize that while early relationships with parents play an important role in the way many people experience God, other factors are also influential. For example, early experiences relevant to spirituality are also influential on later spiritual experiences. A bad experience in during a worship service or with a spiritual leader can also profoundly impact later spirituality, too.
Many times, people's beliefs can cause spirituals wounds. For example, some people may set unrealistic spiritual expectations that no one can meet. Then they become very hard on themselves for not meeting these standards. For others, they may believe they are unlovable by God or their spiritual community. Many, many other types of distorted beliefs may contribute to a variety of spiritual wounds.
Frequently, I've had clients who have been deeply wounded by well-intentioned people in their spiritual community. Though there are many common examples, let me mention one of the most frequent that I've heard. Many clients when grieving the loss of a loved one have been told that they should not feel sad because their loved one is in a better place now. This completely misses the point of grieving for most individuals. They are sad because they miss their loved one, not because of fears they are not in a better place! This creates a really difficult situation. Generally, it is recognized that the person is well-intentioned, so the person who is grieving often feels guilty for being mad at them. They also may feel guilty because they feel like their suffering is a sign of a spiritual flaw or weakness. For others, it just shuts down the grieving process or isolates them because they are afraid to share their pain again.
Bad Experiences in a Spiritual Community
This is often very similar to the wounds of well-intentioned others. The major difference is that the wounding is perceived to have come from the community at large or a leader in the community (who is often seen as representative of the community at large). A common example is with people who have gone through a divorce. Frequently, these people may be stigmatized by the community and, at times, no longer allowed to participate in some of the community activities. This can be an extremely painful experience. It's more common than not that individual's gain some spiritual wounds when going through a divorce.
Another common example is individual's who feel rejected by their spiritual community. At times, this may arise from the 'politics' that are a part of any organization. Other times, it may be that they are a little different or challenge the status quo. Spiritual organizations are filled with humans who make mistakes just like everyone else. The challenge is that often in these settings wounds take on a spiritual nature to them.
Significant relationships can have a variety of influences on spiritual wounds. First, similar to how early experiences with parents provide a frame of reference for how individuals understand God and other relationships, our significant relationships later in life also play a role in influence how individuals interpret their current relationships. For example, if a spouse is very judgmental this may impact the way you experience others. The more time you spend around that spouse, the more likely you are to interpret other people as being judgmental.
A second way that significant relationships can impact spiritual wounds is more direct. It is not uncommon for unhealthy individuals to try to use spiritual beliefs to control others. It is pretty common for people to use scriptures to tell other people how they are supposed to act. One example I've seen frequently in therapy involves married couples. Some husbands use scripture to tell their wife than she needs to submit to him and let him make all the choices. This is then used to make the wife do all that the husband doesn't want to do. If she complains, then the husband says she is not obeying scripture. While this is a more dramatic example, there are many similar patterns which emerge in relationships that can cause spiritual wounds.
Have you noticed a pattern in the causes which have been discussed? If so, you've maybe recognized that most spiritual wounds have a relational component to them. Because of this, it is often believed that healing needs to have a relational component to it. This is one reason why therapy is often recommended for people who have spiritual wounds.
There are many things which can cause spiritual wounds; some are more obvious than others. This is not intended to be a comprehensive list, but rather an overview of some of the more common causes. Many times, spiritual wounds are complicated involving many influences. If you sense your wounds have a spiritual component, it's good to explore the various sources which may be influencing the painful experience.